The New Math on Campus

The front page of this week’s NY Times’ Sunday Styles section caught my attention…titled “The New Math on Campus,” discussing the shortage of men on college campuses. This certainly was the case when I was in college a few years ago.  How about you?

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“The New Math on Campus”

by Alex Williams

Published Feb. 5, 2010

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – ANOTHER ladies’ night, not by choice.

After midnight on a rainy night last week in Chapel Hill, N.C., a large group of sorority women at the University of North Carolina squeezed into the corner booth of a gritty basement bar. Bathed in a neon glow, they splashed beer from pitchers, traded jokes and belted out lyrics to a Taylor Swift heartache anthem thundering overhead. As a night out, it had everything — except guys.

“This is so typical, like all nights, 10 out of 10,” said Kate Andrew, a senior from Albemarle, N.C. The experience has grown tiresome: they slip on tight-fitting tops, hair sculpted, makeup just so, all for the benefit of one another, Ms. Andrew said, “because there are no guys.”

North Carolina, with a student body that is nearly 60 percent female, is just one of many large universities that at times feel eerily like women’s colleges. Women have represented about 57 percent of enrollments at American colleges since at least 2000, according to a recent report by the American Council on Education. Researchers there cite several reasons: women tend to have higher grades; men tend to drop out in disproportionate numbers; and female enrollment skews higher among older students, low-income students, and black and Hispanic students.

In terms of academic advancement, this is hardly the worst news for women — hoist a mug for female achievement. And certainly, women are primarily in college not because they are looking for men, but because they want to earn a degree.

But surrounded by so many other successful women, they often find it harder than expected to find a date on a Friday night.

“My parents think there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t hang out with a lot of guys,” said Ms. Andrew, who had a large circle of male friends in high school.

Jayne Dallas, a senior studying advertising who was seated across the table, grumbled that the population of male undergraduates was even smaller when you looked at it as a dating pool. “Out of that 40 percent, there are maybe 20 percent that we would consider, and out of those 20, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent,” she said.

Needless to say, this puts guys in a position to play the field, and tends to mean that even the ones willing to make a commitment come with storied romantic histories. Rachel Sasser, a senior history major at the table, said that before she and her boyfriend started dating, he had “hooked up with a least five of my friends in my sorority — that I know of.”

These sorts of romantic complications are hardly confined to North Carolina, an academically rigorous school where most students spend more time studying than socializing. The gender imbalance is also pronounced at some private colleges, such as New York University and Lewis & Clark in Portland, Ore., and large public universities in states like California, Florida and Georgia. The College of Charleston, a public liberal arts college in South Carolina, is 66 percent female. Some women at the University of Vermont, with an undergraduate body that is 55 percent female, sardonically refer to their college town, Burlington, as “Girlington.”

The gender gap is not universal. The Ivy League schools are largely equal in gender, and some still tilt male. But at some schools, efforts to balance the numbers have been met with complaints that less-qualified men are being admitted over more-qualified women. In December, the United States Commission on Civil Rights moved to subpoena admissions data from 19 public and private colleges to look at whether they were discriminating against qualified female applicants.

Leaving aside complaints about “affirmative action for boys,” less attention has been focused on the social ramifications.

Thanks to simple laws of supply and demand, it is often the women who must assert themselves romantically or be left alone on Valentine’s Day, staring down a George Clooney movie over a half-empty pizza box.

“I was talking to a friend at a bar, and this girl just came up out of nowhere, grabbed him by the wrist, spun him around and took him out to the dance floor and started grinding,” said Kelly Lynch, a junior at North Carolina, recalling a recent experience.

Students interviewed here said they believed their mating rituals reflected those of college students anywhere. But many of them — men and women alike — said that the lopsided population tends to skew behavior.

“A lot of my friends will meet someone and go home for the night and just hope for the best the next morning,” Ms. Lynch said. “They’ll text them and say: ‘I had a great time. Want to hang out next week?’ And they don’t respond.”

Even worse, “Girls feel pressured to do more than they’re comfortable with, to lock it down,” Ms. Lynch said.

As for a man’s cheating, “that’s a thing that girls let slide, because you have to,” said Emily Kennard, a junior at North Carolina. “If you don’t let it slide, you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Faculty members and administrators are well aware of the situation. Stephen M. Farmer, North Carolina’s director of admissions, said that the university has a high female presence in part because it does not have an engineering school, which at most schools tend to be heavily male. Also, he said, more young men than women in the state opt to enter the military or the work force directly out of high school.

And the university feels obligated to admit the most qualified applicants, regardless of gender, Mr. Farmer said. “I wouldn’t want any young woman here to think that there’s somebody we’d rather have here than her,” he said.

The phenomenon has also been an area of academic inquiry, formally and informally. “On college campuses where there are far more women than men, men have all the power to control the intensity of sexual and romantic relationships,” Kathleen A. Bogle, a sociologist at La Salle University in Philadelphia, wrote in an e-mail message. Her book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus,” was published in 2008.

“Women do not want to get left out in the cold, so they are competing for men on men’s terms,” she wrote. “This results in more casual hook-up encounters that do not end up leading to more serious romantic relationships. Since college women say they generally want ‘something more’ than just a casual hook-up, women end up losing out.”

W. Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia, which is 57 percent female, put it this way: “When men have the social power, they create a man’s ideal of relationships,” he said. Translation: more partners, more sex. Commitment? A good first step would be his returning a woman’s Facebook message.

Women on gender-imbalanced campuses are paying a social price for success and, to a degree, are being victimized by men precisely because they have outperformed them, Professor Campbell said. In this way, some colleges mirror retirement communities, where women often find that the reward for outliving their husbands is competing with other widows for the attentions of the few surviving bachelors.

“If a guy is not getting what he wants, he can quickly and abruptly go to the next one, because there are so many of us,” said Katie Deray, a senior at the University of Georgia, who said that it is common to see six provocatively clad women hovering around one or two guys at a party or a bar.

Since that is not her style, Ms. Deray said, she has still not had a long-term relationship in college. As a fashion merchandising major, she said, she can only hope the odds improve when she graduates and moves to New York.

At colleges in big cities, women do have more options. “By my sophomore year, I just had the feeling that there is nobody in this school that I could date,” said Ashley Crisostomo, a senior at Fordham University in New York, which is 55 percent female. She has tended to date older professionals in the city.

But in a classic college town, the social life is usually limited to fraternity parties, local bars or coffeehouses. And college men — not usually known for their debonair ways — can be particularly unmannerly when the numbers are in their favor.

“A lot of guys know that they can go out and put minimal effort into their appearance and not treat girls to drinks or flatter them, and girls will still flirt with them,” said Felicite Fallon, a senior at Florida State University, which is 56 percent female.

Several male students acknowledged that the math skewed pleasantly in their favor. “You don’t have to work that hard,” said Matt Garofalo, a senior at North Carolina. “You meet a girl at a late-night restaurant, she’s texting you the next day.”

But it’s not as if the imbalance leads to ceaseless bed-hopping, said Austin Ivey, who graduated from North Carolina last year but was hanging out in a bar near campus last week. “Guys tend to overshoot themselves and find a really beautiful girlfriend they couldn’t date otherwise, but can, thanks to the ratio,” he said.

Mr. Ivey himself said that his own college relationship lasted three years. “She didn’t think she would meet another guy, I didn’t think I would meet another girl as attractive as her,” he said.

Several male students from female-heavy schools took pains to note that they were not thrilled with the status quo.

“It’s awesome being a guy,” admitted Garret Jones, another North Carolina senior, but he also lamented a culture that fostered hook-ups over relationships. This year, he said, he finally found a serious girlfriend.

Indeed, there are a fair number of Mr. Lonelyhearts on campus. “Even though there’s this huge imbalance between the sexes, it still doesn’t change the fact of guys sitting around, bemoaning their single status,” said Patrick Hooper, a Georgia senior. “It’s the same as high school, but the women are even more enchanting and beautiful.”

And perhaps still elusive. Many women eagerly hit the library on Saturday night. And most would prefer to go out with friends, rather than date a campus brute.

But still. “It causes girls to overanalyze everything — text messages, sideways glances, conversations,” said Margaret Cheatham Williams, a junior at North Carolina. “Girls will sit there with their friends for 15 minutes trying to figure out what punctuation to use in a text message.”

The loneliness can be made all the more bitter by the knowledge that it wasn’t always this way.

“My roommate’s parents met here,” said Mitali Dayal, a freshman at North Carolina. “She has this nice little picture of them in their Carolina sweatshirts. Must be nice.”

February 7, 2010. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.

We’ve Been Together Ever Since…And The Rest is History

The most fascinating thing about couples (at least to me) is how they met.

I enjoy reading wedding announcements as much as obituaries in newspapers. My mom thinks it’s creepy that I read obituaries, but I always say “Mom, I like to see what people did with their lives.” If my mom is around while I’m reading the wedding announcements, she’ll say things like “he’s too good looking for her” or “those two look like a couple.” She believes that as a rule, the woman should generally be more attractive than her husband. If a man is too good-looking, then there’s trouble ahead, like cheating.

One of my latest guilty pleasures is a free wedding registry site where people can fill in a simple web page discussing the date/place of their wedding, along with where they are registered. But I could care less about the logistics of the wedding day or whether they are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond…I want to know how they met. I want the juicy backstory.

2009 was popular wedding year for my high school (and some of my college) classmates, despite the sour economy. Below are a few “how we met” stories that I found, why I’m sharing them, I don’t know. Personally, it’s some food for thought.

Note how many of these “how we met” blurbs end with “and the rest is history” or “we’ve been together ever since.” Let’s play a game of fill in the blanks….

  • We were introduced by (insert mutual friend’s name here) at a bar in (insert name of city here). After talking for a bit (insert groom’s name here) asked if I was hungry, and I said yes. I would have said yes to him anyways even if I wasn’t hungry. We went to dinner at (insert steakhouse restaurant name here) and have been together ever since.
  • Back in (insert year here), we were both out with friends on (insert name of hip street in college town). With the help of (insert friend of bride’s name here), we were introduced and (insert the groom’s name)’s pick up line was, “has anyone ever told you that you look like (insert celebrity’s name here)?”. We went on several dates, but really connected a couple of years after initially meeting. And the rest is history.
  • We met through a mutual friend at (insert name of trendy restaurant/bar). (Insert groom’s name here)’s friend left before he got there so he didn’t know anyone. (Insert bride’s name here) took the initiative and we have been together ever since!
  • (Insert groom’s name here) and (insert bride’s name here) both attended and graduated from the same high school. They were just friends back then. They went to different colleges and re-met at a mutual friend’s wedding a couple of years later. There were still no sparks, but (insert groom’s name here) took (insert bride’s name here) out for ice cream after going to a friend’s party.
  • (Insert groom’s name here) and (Insert bride’s name here) graduated from the same large university, but didn’t know each other back then. Both eventually moved to (insert city name here) and joined the local chapter of the alumni association. The association had an event at (insert name of sports bar here) and the rest is history.

So those were just a few of the many that I found of people I know who have recently married…or will marry soon. I have yet to find one that says “we met on (insert dating web site here),” but I know there are many like that…or perhaps they didn’t wish to share the fact on their wedding registry page. I do believe though that the taboo of online dating from a decade ago is gone. I do know of one online relationship that turned into marriage, but the stories above are similar to many “how we met” stories before the internet -where the relationship is a product of socializing plain and simple (an art I have yet to perfect).

February 4, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 7 comments.

A Last-Minute Visit and Social Networking

A friend from college who I haven’t seen in a couple years asked me out of the blue if she could come visit me. It was short notice, but a pleasant surprise. She lived in another country to get a graduate degree but her visa ran out, so she had to come back here to the States. She wasn’t too thrilled to leave her busy social life in that other country and is trying to figure out what to do next. She wanted to visit me and take a quick break from her current situation. I gladly invited her down to my place as I don’t have many guests. She had fun and we caught up in that brief time she was here.

Major College Crush (MCC) came up in the conversation as other memories. She didn’t know I had such a huge crush on him, but wasn’t surprised when I told her because so many other gals liked him. Again, there was a shortage of guys at my school and I hear it’s even worse now. I told her all I found out about MCC via my internet stalking and she suggested I friend him on a popular social networking site we both belong to (especially since he has like 1,000 friends).

Last week, I made the ballsy move and friended him. I’d be surprised if he remembered me at all. I was like “What the fuck, it’s a new year, I need to grow balls (so to speak).” Within a couple of hours he accepted my friend request and I joined his legions of fans. We didn’t exchange messages or anything. I didn’t feel like writing a note or anything to explain who I was, etc. I friended another guy from college whom I’ve never spoken to and sent him a kind, brief message on why I wanted to friend him. He friended me a week after I sent in my request but never responded to my message. People are such ‘friend’ whores these days on social networking sites. Most people ‘friend’ anyone they’ve ever met in every situation, no matter how brief. Or they’ll friend people they’ve never met. I was never formally introduced to MCC and have never had a conversation with him. But I looked from a far and dreamed…

And today I friended another guy on there from college that I’ve never formally met but thought was hot….and that’s it for a while as far as friending cute guys on social networking sites for a while. I figure “What do I have to lose? The worst that could happen is that they ignore my friend request.” We’re all online whores these days anyways.

MCC: He still looks good, but I don’t lust after him anymore like I used to. I don’t dream about him anymore. He will always be in the past. Part of me misses college and that optimism.

My visiting pal agreed.

Golden Boy avoids me like the plague, but that’s ok. I probably have STALKER or WEIRDO written on my forehead. My feelings for him have passed. I’ve come to find that I’m not his physical type anyway. He prefers girls with a different hair color. I know it sounds silly, but some men are very insistent upon hair color (preferably the age old blondes vs. brunette war…I don’t know where redheads fit in). I don’t think I’ll dye my hair to please a man. I’d look funny with a different hair color anyway. It also makes me sick to see him suck up to the boss as much as he does. We get along and that’s all that counts!

My visiting pal also brought up how I exude a lot of confidence – and how I was able to make the quick moves from college to full time salaried job to homeownership within a short span.

I asked if she meant whether I came off as arrogant as there is a fine line sometimes between confident and arrogant.

She said that it wasn’t arrogance. How kind.

I told her that whatever confidence I seemingly have is not real and that I’m insecure inside. I just prefer not to show or express it. I continued on to how I’ve had my family ask me what I was going to do with my life since I was very young and had to act decisive in order satisfy them – even if the answer was not true.

During Christmas, an elderly aunt asked a college freshman at our party what he wanted to do with his life. He said he didn’t know and was in community college to get his core classes out of the way before transferring into a bigger school. She was not satisfied with this answer and kind of scared him away. I saw the look on his face, it was pretty sad. He’s a good kid. He just didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear – the decisive, confident answer like “I’m going be a doctor or a lawyer or a secret agent and here’s how I’m going to do it.”

Most people don’t know what they want to do. I just picked something and went with it, never admitting that I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. Starting at age 14, I was asked by numerous relatives what I wanted to major in at college. I didn’t know, but threw out an answer to get them off my tail. I kept throwing out this same answer and followed through. The beauty of it was that by the time I did go to college I already had my major picked out, saving me much trouble.

So what was I talking about now? Oh yes, fake confidence. I’m surprised I’ve even succeeded at having this image at all. Maybe it’s the clothes. All I know is that I can’t show any vulnerability. I can laugh at myself and admit mistakes or faults, but can never cry or act defensive.

Yet I was too shy to speak to guys like MCC or anyone else for that matter. Too scared to smile at a hot guy in a coffee shop, too afraid to meet potential online dates somewhere for fear of meeting a creep. Why am I living in fear?

My visiting pal told me how I have enough sex appeal to get a decent guy around my age. Yet I don’t see sexy when I look in the mirror. I don’t even know what sexy means. I know it has something to do with attitude or something else I can’t explain.

But what does it matter? Here I am writing this rambling entry in a safe home with clean, running water and a refrigerator full of food…and there are many people in Haiti (who never had nowhere near any of that to begin with) destroyed by a 7.0 earthquake. Death, riots, hunger, chaos, orphans, filth, danger. I wouldn’t survive a day! I’ve never been a save the world type, but gee, my problems are so minor. So what if I die a 105-year-old virgin.

I’ll give dating a shot another year, maybe the next. Maybe 30, maybe not. I can always tell a white lie or fake confidence or not give a whole answer if asked about sex or relationships. I don’t think I will this year as I have other goals which I’d rather pursue in my free time. Plus, I’m not sure if I want to have deep ties to someone in this current metropolitan area. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have to make dating a goal like anything else, like your career or hobbies or education. But you can’t make dating like a job interview because that’s a huge turnoff to a lot of people (from what I’ve heard).

To anyone reading this, I hope 2010 treats you well.

January 21, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 5 comments.

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?

I really like this song….it’s beautiful and melancholy. So many different people have recorded it, notably Ella Fitzgerald, Lena Horne and Harry Connick Jr. I think Frank Sinatra recorded it too, but I couldn’t find confirmation on that or a YouTube video for that matter. The version above is chill and jazzy…the vocalist I believe is a backup singer for KC and The Sunshine Band. I love it. If only they played it other times of the year besides the Christmas season. It’s really all about New Year’s and the possible loneliness of that time of year (I really hate that word ‘lonely.’)

New Year’s Eve can be up there with Valentine’s Day as far as that expectation of having someone to spend the holiday with. There’s that “New Year’s Eve kiss” or that New Year’s Eve party to dress up for. The funny thing is that I’ve never had a party to go to. I’ve spent most of my NYE’s at home. I’m always told how dangerous it is to go out that night because of the drunk drivers, etc. Usually, I just stay home and find some marathon of something on TV and have pizza and booze. Not very sexy, I know. If I were sexy, I would no longer be a virgin. LOL. It’s all in the personality afterall, where I tend to be lacking.

I remember being in high school and wanting to go out to those NYE parties and clubs. Now it’s just like, “Gee, is it smart to go somewhere like that by myself? Meh, I’ll stay home instead and drink in the safety of my living room where there’s no drunk drivers or date rape drugs. Oh, and there’s no rowdy crowds at my house either.”

I’ve already been asked at work what my New Year’s plans are. I’m getting closer to making up some fake imaginary boyfriend or posse of friends to throw them off my trail. The writing is on the wall to them that I’m some kind of nutcase that’s one step closer to adopting a bunch of cats…or I’m a closeted lesbian. Except I hate cats and would never tolerate one tearing up my leather couch. And if I were gay, I would have come out years ago. I shouldn’t care what people think, yet I want them to like me…how messed up is that?

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P.S. Apologies to anyone that’s a cat owner or cat lover.

December 31, 2009. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 7 comments.

Peace

Peace within yourself is important to find no matter what your situation in life. Although not having much of a personal life has caused me some sadness, it’s minor compared to other problems people in the world have. All in all, I’m pretty peaceful (most of the time). It’s certainly a process.

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year because I have a family to spend it with. I get along very well with my parents and we have a lot of plans with other family members that entail lots of drinking, good food and conversation. Sometimes, the scary thought crosses my mind about who I’ll spend the holidays with once my parents are gone. I try not to dwell on that. They are very healthy right now and hopefully it’ll be that way for many years to come.

To anyone reading this, Happy Holidays to you (whether you celebrate or not). May you find peace within yourself and pass it on…

And now for one of my favorite Odd Couples:

December 21, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

What’s Holding Me Back?

Online dating seems so simple. Just put up a couple interesting words about yourself and a picture …and there you go. I’ve never tried it because I’m afraid. And it’s not necessarily fear of rejection. It’s fear of my coworkers finding me on there. Funny, right? For some reason, I’m really afraid of that. I don’t want them to know that aspect of my personal life. I like to compartmentalize I guess. Sure, I can easily discuss my usual weekend plans of movies, cleaning the house, walking outside on a nice day and bargain hunting – but dating? No way! I can’t get too personal and open. As much as I like most of them, it seems like they know too much about me.

I really don’t have an interest in online dating right now except for curiosity. Who would respond to my ad? Is it worth a try? I don’t think I can even make time for giving it a shot right now.

The overall fear of ridicule (esp. of my appearance) and unhappiness have held me back for years. Everywhere I go I see all these attractive women and a big lack of decent guys. These women have douchebags because they are afraid of being alone. If hot women get with losers, is there any hope for the rest of us who are not perfect 10s?

Most of my peers are married now (some even divorced). Some have kids, while others plaster couple photos all over their social networking profiles. I remain antisocial and on the sidelines, somewhat unchanged in a way. This has caused a good chunk of people to question my sexuality. If I were gay, I would have come out years ago. I’ve changed in so many other ways, but remain the perpetual loner like I was when I was a little fat kid. Of course, it’s a choice as I believe life is about choices. It is a choice motivated by fear. It’s the one secret part of me that’s still immature when the rest of me projects a mature “put together” image for the world to see. The gal who gets her work done and has her “shit together.” Whose parents always tell her how responsible she is. The gal who pays her bills and doesn’t cause any trouble, yet sometimes has a harsh tongue that can shock. That gal who gets compliments everyday over her shoes, handbags and fashion. Yet she looks in the mirror and sees a monster.

You get into a routine where work consumes you and you prefer to spend your spare time sleeping, running errands and other solitary activities. The rare occasion where you go to a party or club full of people you don’t know scares you and makes you feel like a fish out of water. All of your close friends are married, so there are no single ladies nights. If you hang out with said friends, the husband usually has to come too.

The weird part is I’m not sad about my situation so much anymore. The worst of the pain is over. Eventually I’ll get old and nobody will want me. People keep telling me to enjoy my youth. I guess that means enjoying my health before it fails. Or enjoying my body before it sags.

I haven’t mentioned Golden Boy in a while because I don’t like him more than a colleague anymore. I think our personalities would clash; our horoscopes would confirm this. My fantasy feelings for him have been gone for a while. And now there’s really nobody to fantasize about.

I kind of live in my own world while going through the motions of living in the real world. Fantasy and escapism are key forms of recreation.

A couple months ago I noticed a handsome guy who works in my building. He’s on a different floor than me and isn’t really affiliated with my company. I have no clue about his name or what he does. I shared the elevator with him once or twice and he made some snarky comment about the drink I was carrying. I think I told him that there are worse addictions than $5 coffee drinks. I saw him the other day leaving late, going the opposite direction. He didn’t see me. He had a nice car and drove away. He looked good. I would like that for Christmas. This sounds stupid, but I secretly dream of a guy like that taking me out to a nice steak dinner at a nice steak house. We’d have wine and talk for a while. Then the fantasy ends. No sex, just a nice dinner. That image of me actually being taken out on a date by a handsome guy who is not a loser. Sure, I take myself out to nice dinners sometimes, but nothing high-end. I eat at home over 90 percent of the time anyways.

 

November 10, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 10 comments.

Tina Fey Lost It At 24; Reax On A Morning Radio Show

A few weeks ago, Tina Fey announced on David Letterman that she lost her virginity at 24 and “couldn’t give it away.” A lot of people (namely other media types) reacted to this thinking that 24 was quite old to lose your virginity. Of course, my first reaction is to laugh, quickly followed by that pang of well…insecurity, then thinking about how much society sucks (and how I must keep this deep dark secret that I’m still a virgin). I can’t seem to find the US Weekly article they are referring to, but they do mention Brooke Sheilds and Coldplay singer Chris Martin losing it in their early 20s. And Adriana Lima losing it at 27. Wow! So old! NOT…

I never watch late night shows, never really cared for Leno, Letterman or Conan. Not my cup of television tea. I heard about this from a morning radio show while driving to work. This particular show is geared toward “Baby Boomers” and the hosts are about my parents’ age. The woman who hosts the show is kinda bitchy (menopause?). In fact, I don’t like her because it seems like she has a huge ego because she’s been doing it for so long. Anyways, they talked about this bit and had people call in and talk about what age they lost their virginity. Everytime someone gave an age, the DJ did nothing but laugh and cackle and giggle like some old bat pretending to be a teen again. If someone said they lost their virginity past 21, she would say something along the lines of “what took you so long?” or “how could you wait so long?” A couple people called saying they lost it past 30 and even 45, citing a whole spectrum of reasons why they waited. Others called saying they lost it as young as 13. Many of them shared the awkwardness and memories of their first times in the midst of her odd cackling. Maybe she’s one of those people that laughs during a topic they find awkward or uncomfortable, who knows….but yeah, her show kind of made fun of older virgins. It surprised me because you’d think at her age, she’d be more understanding or empathetic.

It got me thinking that if someone ever asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity, I wouldn’t know how to react. Would I make up a number and a story about an awkward first time? Would I be truthful and say I’m a virgin? Would I say something like “I prefer not to answer?” or change the subject or create a diversion to make the questioner forget about the topic. The easiest thing to do is to lie. I don’t lie very often, so I’m probably bad at it. Luckily, nobody has ever asked me this type of question. I hope nobody ever does.

November 7, 2009. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 13 comments.

Our Day Will Come?

I’m probably one of the few 20-somethings that listen to AM radio.  With the exception of a few stations, the AM band in general is dying I think, like most of its listeners.  I listen because I love the rare oldies that are played on these stations, such as jazz, soul, crooners, etc.  When I’m driving, I like to pretend I’m in the 1960s in a swank old car.  Then I jump back into reality telling myself that I wouldn’t have had the rights or opportunities or choices like I have today.

I’ll often mention some of these songs to older people I know, like coworkers and they’ll be like “You’re too young to know about that song/artist.” Probably so.  One recent old song I’ve discovered is by Ruby and the Romantics called “Our Day Will Come.”  Apparently, it was a one-hit wonder for the group in 1963.  The quick internet search info I gathered on the group pretty much said something along the lines that Ruby is the only one in the group still alive and that all of they guys she sang with passed away.  The song was eventually remade by Frankie Valli and others.

The title alone makes me wonder if I (or as some of you readers can relate – “we”) will ever have our day so to speak.  Our day in love, or at least in really like.

October 18, 2009. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Football Party

I don’t know why I don’t just take my own advice and leave expectations at the door.

I wish I didn’t have expectations for anything or anyone.

There could be worse problems I could have; homelessness, being terminally ill, having no family or being in serious danger.

I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish this didn’t cause me such pain. I wish I didn’t care; genuinely didn’t care.

I use the word “I” too many times in this blog and sound like a spoiled, whiny bitch who takes everything for granted.

The funny thing is that in the real world I try my hardest not to whine and bitch and listen to everyone else whine and bitch at me – or “venting” as they like to call it. I’m the one always telling them it’s ok and that it’s natural to “vent.” Like a soundboard.

I just want a guy around my age to like/accept me who is not a loser (there are some dealbreakers that I won’t get into right now, but not all that many). Sometimes I wonder if I’m nobody’s type and belong in some alternate universe or in a home for the socially awkward.

So I go to the NFL party and its more than obvious that my friends want to hook me up with Mr. Unusual Name. I think the Teenybopper and her husband have had discussions on which of his friends would be a possible match for me. Other guys (who I don’t have anything in common with) were also there to watch the game, but they didn’t seem as eligible as Mr. Unusual Name.

Mr. Unusual Name is a very tall, good looking guy – and I expressed those thoughts to The Teenybopper while he was out of the room. I doubt he’s an asshole because my friends like him a lot. He also seems nice because he kept playing with their dog. Anyone who likes dogs is cool in my book. My single friend who lives far away would go gaga for this guy because she is very keen on his physical type.

For some reason The Teenybopper and her husband make it seem like magic is going to happen by putting two people in the same room. If only it were that simple.

“Am I supposed to act a certain way? Or do something?,” I asked. “Or should I just focus on the game?”

“Just be yourself,” she said. “ Whatever you do, don’t be someone you’re not…we’re all here to watch the game”

I agreed.

Besides shaking his hand, I didn’t get to talk with him at all. I tried to smile whenever I talked. Eye contact is very difficult for me, so I try to at least look at the face. I once had a teacher pull me aside in high school and tell me to look people in the eye. My vision is not the greatest, so my lack of eye contact could be attributed to that as well…plus it was dark. I can’t explain why I have trouble looking people in the eyes. I often wonder if I have Asperger’s or something. There’s such a disconnect between my mind and my body sometimes. I don’t know why eye contact is so scary to me. I have to know someone well to make eye contact with them, like friends, coworkers and family.

Anyways, we all focused on the game. Exciting as it was, my team lost and we all went our separate ways once the game was over.

I thought I smiled/laughed a lot, maybe too much. Whatever. I’m sure I’ll see the guy again at more of their functions.

All I can do is be nice and not fake. Sounds simple enough. Right?

I get the feeling, since the guy is a little bit younger than me, that he probably does not want to think about chicks right now. When I was his age, I was very annoyed when friends tried to hook me up. I had one friend in particular who wanted to match me up with all of her single guy friends. I didn’t really like these guys, but was nice whenever I saw them. They are all married now or engaged. In college, lots of people were trying to hook me up…not just friends, but classmates as well. I should have struck while the iron was hot. I think I’m more of a catch now than I was then. At least I think I look and dress better and have a job – and bought a home (that I can barely afford). I really don’t know what I would have to offer someone right now. I’m broke (so I can’t be a sugarmama) and I’m not arm candy. I don’t know how to cook, but I could learn. I’m not organized or a neat freak, but sometimes I try. I’m not very outgoing and people tend not to laugh whenever I think I’ve said something funny (I end up looking like an asshole).

September 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

Secret Life

“I’m beginning to think you lead a secret life,” said one of my coworkers to me today.

The guy who said this was an older guy who has been doing his same gig since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Ok, say more like 30+ years, which still is a damn long time.

In our department, we often say that in order to survive in our field you have to be a little bit weird or strange. I like to believe the “normal” people work in sales, finance, human resources, the government or as elementary school teachers.

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as normal. It’s one thing to be normal when talking in medical terms, but there really is no normal lifestyle or personality. Some of us are more outwardly unusual than others. I often see myself as kind of an Allison type from “The Breakfast Club,” except I don’t end up with the Emilio Estevez-type jock. Like Allison, I’m quiet and prone to sudden outbursts. I idolize people like Bill Clinton. I know that sounds crazy right? But seriously, he can charm the pants (no pun intended) off anyone, even freaking Kim Jong Il!?! He can get anyone to do what he wants and still like him!

I think this blog is my secret life. It’s a damn diary that the whole world can read. The internet is scary because it feeds the narcissist in all of us and it makes the world way too small. Although I like knowing people are reading and supporting me, in my non-virtual life, I don’t want to be known for having this blog. I just want to connect with a guy around my age someday who I’m attracted to. I don’t care if it lasts. I want someone to not only accept me, but find me sexy or attractive in some way and want to be with me a while without annoying me. Haha. Ok, maybe that’s a tall order, but there it is.

September 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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