Running On Empty
The drive home from work differs greatly from the drive to work.
My mind is on one thing when I’m driving to work: “What the hell will be in store for me?”
After surviving, the drive home is relaxing (given if there’s good music on the radio) and often empty.
The weather here is pretty nice now and it’s going to stay this way for the next couple months. So during the half-hour to 45 minute drive home in my big boat of a car, I crack open the sunroof and maybe the driver’s side window to feel that nice air hit me. A BMW dealership is on the way home and marvel at those gorgeous cars for a second while I’m stuck in traffic. Although that wind feels so damn good, inside I can’t help but feel, well, empty.
Despite the fact that I’ve been keeping busy after work with a steady diet of basic Cable TV, light exercise after dinner, lots of rest sprinkled in with attending entertaining events with my one friend who lives nearby – the feeling is there. It often rears its head during the drive home. It’s funny because I often think there’s not enough time in the day to do all I want to do.
Many people would describe it as ‘lonely’. I hate that term with avengeance, and I don’t hate many things. For me it’s either ‘empty’ or ‘melancholy.’ Not necessarily ‘sad.’ I’ve heard that ‘lonely’ people do ‘desperate’ things.
For as long as I can remember, there has been a constant internal war raging within me: Body/Heart vs. Mind/Logic.
My mind usually wins. Therefore, I come across to the world as this logical person full of sage wisdom and advice. That person who knows the right thing to do. Quiet too. It’s funny because I’m full of bullshit. One friend calls me ‘the voice of logic.’
All of my friends ask me for advice constantly, especially with the men in their lives. WTF? I have no experience, how the fuck should I know? But somehow, I make up some bullshit and tell them what’s in my heart and they thank me unconditionally. It’s like how Dr. Phil isn’t a real doctor, but people eat up his bullshit advice. Ditto (except I don’t get paid millions hahaha).
I often look in the mirror and wonder if I’m the plague. What could I possibly have to offer someone? Not just lookswise, but in other ways. I’m too selfish and I like to be alone. I can’t stand the thought of having to spend 24/7 with someone. Plus I’m broke, so it’s not like I can be a sugarmama LOL.
For the past year or two, my body is beginning to fight back in a way. Fight the logical mind. I think my body wants sex. Ok, I’m pretty sure it does. Almost like it was intended to be sexually active by now.
Almost every night when I am sleeping (at least eight hours in or just before I wake up), I start to masturbate. Yes, I masturbate in my sleep and sometimes it wakes me up, but I tend to fall back asleep after it happens. Like my subconscious is taking over because I never masturbate when I’m fully awake.
I guess that means I should buy a vibrator…
Seriously…I love this song (specifically this version, no joke):
3rd Wheel, 5th Wheel, What Wheel?
I can’t stand the terms “third wheel,” “fifth wheel” and most of all ‘lonely.’ I’ll discuss ‘lonely’ in another post. Not today.
A few years ago I made my first “work friend.” I was an intern at a large corporation and this gal kind of took me under her wing. She’s one of those people who either immediately likes you or immediately dislikes you. For some reason, she immediately liked me and we became good friends. She often tells me how she wishes that I was her sister instead of her real-life sister. She eventually moved with her husband to another state far away. We talk via social networking site sporadically, but still see each other only about once a year.
We got our once-a-year meeting on Sunday. She and her husband joined me for lunch. Her husband is a nice guy, but I feel like he kinda dampens the mood . It’s not his fault, but I wish I had more one-on-one time with her. When we went to a bookstore, this friend and I wanted to talk kind of privately a few times, but the husband kept following us everywhere we went. It annoyed my friend a little and she kept saying how he was “like a magnet.” Then, I would simply respond “that’s his job” and act like it was no big deal.
I notice this a lot with my married friends. The few times I see them, the husband usually has to tag along. Why can’t they just stay home? I have nothing against the husbands, but don’t understand why they always have to come along. The only exception is a certain friend and her husband.
After lunch passed, they invited to me to join them for dinner with this other couple. Thus, I become the fifth wheel. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t mind being a third or fifth wheel. That whole stigma is really just a state of mind. I don’t care. As long as the company is fun, which was the case on Sunday, it’s all good. There was a moment where I felt “Gee, here I am with these two happily married couples,” but it didn’t kill me. I had a good time and was glad I stayed. Part of me felt like Bridget Jones where I was the only single in a sea of marrieds. But these marrieds didn’t grill me about relationships. They were busy talking about their high school friends and how they can’t stand their families.
