One of my best friends from college, whom I’ll call “Li,” just moved to a new city in a new country where she plans to stay for a good long time.

She is busy immersing herself in the language, the culture, her new apartment and getting set up workwise. She called me the other day and said how the guys there hit on her everywhere she goes – saying how they can help her improve on the language. She’s one that loves to talk and talk and talk. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s just how she is. She would rather talk than listen. That’s probably most people. I always listen and provide a quick two cents while she talks and talks some more. I could probably put down my phone and walk out of the room and come back five minutes later and she would still be talking. I don’t mind it, a lot of my friends are this way – outgoing, friendly and very talkative. She’s the most out of all of them. I tend to be drawn to people like that. It’s almost as if their lives are more exciting than mine….like they’ve got more interesting things to contribute to a conversation – even if it can get a bit one-sided.

One of her favorite topics is men and how she can never figure them out, never finding any she likes, adding how she has to practically beat them off with a stick in this new city.

Somehow in the conversation I point out my own lack of relations (which she knows very well). I often like to joke with her that I’m a “paranoid American” that’s not very friendly. I can’t smile at strangers and if I do it’s like a forced half smirk. For some reason I have this fear that if I smile at the wrong person, something bad will happen. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s just how I am. I guess if I were truly paranoid, I wouldn’t have this blog because it is the most personal thing I’ve ever done. I tried having actual written diaries a few times and my hand would cramp up after penning a few pages (carpal tunnel anyone?). Plus, it sucked to correct any mistakes. It’s easy to take the computer keyboard for granted.

“You have attitude,” Li says to me in her accented English (English is not her first language).

“What do you mean?”

Then she mentions that word: “intimidating.” Me? Intimidating? That’s all wrong. A lot of those fame-seeking wannabe models on reality shows use that term to describe their reason for being single. I’m not one of them. Plus, I don’t walk around with an “I can kick your ass/I can do this better than you can/men suck” attitude. Technically, intimidating means something along the lines of “threatening.” How can I be threatening? I’m not hot, rich, powerful or physically tough enough to kick anybody’s ass. I’m not a towering presence that elicits fear like a football linebacker or a muscular cop. Plus, I don’t have a history or making threats or blackmail.

Here’s dictionary.com’s definition:

in⋅tim⋅i⋅date
/ɪnˈtɪmɪˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-tim-i-deyt] Show IPA
–verb (used with object), -dat⋅ed, -dat⋅ing.

1. to make timid; fill with fear.

2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.

3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear: to intimidate a voter into staying away from the polls.

Origin:
1640–50; < ML intimidātus, ptp. of intimidāre to make afraid…..

(Had to toss in that mid-17th century origin reference, but I’ve never heard or seen the word ‘cow’ used as a verb)

Although Li is opposite of me in a lot of ways, one thing is clear: she shows her vulnerability; I don’t. If I am scared, I will never outwardly show it. I am calm in situations that may cause others to get nervous. Li is a kind and caring person, however she is also naive in certain ways and has been taken advantage of on occasion (luckily not raped). She’s not as cautious as me. She’s more trusting and can come across as an easy target. I am more like Fort Knox and hanging out with Li tends to bring out a more protective side of me. I think this is why a lot of men gravitate to her – they feel the need to protect and take care of her. I wouldn’t blame them.

“You are very put together…poised and calm….and that drives them away,” she said.

She kept using the term “put together.” Even *gasp* “confident,” which made no sense. I’m hardly confident at all, although I truly hope to be someday. Confidence seems to be the key to everything – from career success to romance.

One of my biggest fears is getting taken advantage of. This can mean anything from getting raped to getting conned moneywise. I always believed that if I don’t show fear or vulnerability, then my chances of getting taken advantage of will lessen. Sometimes shit happens, but for as long as I have remembered I’ve had to put this guard up. This shield can be fashion, hair and (my favorite) wearing sunglasses. I live in a sunny climate and wearing sunglasses everywhere is an easy habit for a lot of people. Plus, I can use the excuse how my lenses are prescription LOL. Eye contact is very hard for me. Some people I can look easily straight in the eye, but others I cannot.

Yep, I have more issues than a stack of magazines. We all have our issues and this blog is all about mine which have manifested in lack of dating relationships (or really anything close). This is a common problem though because more and more people are finding this site saying how they are in this same type of situation.

Numerous books and movies have been devoted to people who have trouble with love and dating, but I’ve yet to find any movies or published (book) stories similar to mine. There are millions of books out there. When will my story (or one similar to it) be told in the mainstream? I can’t be that much of a freak of nature as so many of you are reading this saying how you’re going through the same thing.

I went through a dark phase a few years ago and saw a real psych doctor once for it (prior to him I only saw therapists briefly). He said I didn’t need drugs and was very impressed by my firm handshake. I am proud of my handshake too. I believe you can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. I don’t like it when people give me a limp, lifeless shake or a really overaggressive one either. I’ve always wanted mine to be strong, but not too strong: firm and just right. Like of someone who wants to go places.