What’s Holding Me Back?
Online dating seems so simple. Just put up a couple interesting words about yourself and a picture …and there you go. I’ve never tried it because I’m afraid. And it’s not necessarily fear of rejection. It’s fear of my coworkers finding me on there. Funny, right? For some reason, I’m really afraid of that. I don’t want them to know that aspect of my personal life. I like to compartmentalize I guess. Sure, I can easily discuss my usual weekend plans of movies, cleaning the house, walking outside on a nice day and bargain hunting – but dating? No way! I can’t get too personal and open. As much as I like most of them, it seems like they know too much about me.
I really don’t have an interest in online dating right now except for curiosity. Who would respond to my ad? Is it worth a try? I don’t think I can even make time for giving it a shot right now.
The overall fear of ridicule (esp. of my appearance) and unhappiness have held me back for years. Everywhere I go I see all these attractive women and a big lack of decent guys. These women have douchebags because they are afraid of being alone. If hot women get with losers, is there any hope for the rest of us who are not perfect 10s?
Most of my peers are married now (some even divorced). Some have kids, while others plaster couple photos all over their social networking profiles. I remain antisocial and on the sidelines, somewhat unchanged in a way. This has caused a good chunk of people to question my sexuality. If I were gay, I would have come out years ago. I’ve changed in so many other ways, but remain the perpetual loner like I was when I was a little fat kid. Of course, it’s a choice as I believe life is about choices. It is a choice motivated by fear. It’s the one secret part of me that’s still immature when the rest of me projects a mature “put together” image for the world to see. The gal who gets her work done and has her “shit together.” Whose parents always tell her how responsible she is. The gal who pays her bills and doesn’t cause any trouble, yet sometimes has a harsh tongue that can shock. That gal who gets compliments everyday over her shoes, handbags and fashion. Yet she looks in the mirror and sees a monster.
You get into a routine where work consumes you and you prefer to spend your spare time sleeping, running errands and other solitary activities. The rare occasion where you go to a party or club full of people you don’t know scares you and makes you feel like a fish out of water. All of your close friends are married, so there are no single ladies nights. If you hang out with said friends, the husband usually has to come too.
The weird part is I’m not sad about my situation so much anymore. The worst of the pain is over. Eventually I’ll get old and nobody will want me. People keep telling me to enjoy my youth. I guess that means enjoying my health before it fails. Or enjoying my body before it sags.
I haven’t mentioned Golden Boy in a while because I don’t like him more than a colleague anymore. I think our personalities would clash; our horoscopes would confirm this. My fantasy feelings for him have been gone for a while. And now there’s really nobody to fantasize about.
I kind of live in my own world while going through the motions of living in the real world. Fantasy and escapism are key forms of recreation.
A couple months ago I noticed a handsome guy who works in my building. He’s on a different floor than me and isn’t really affiliated with my company. I have no clue about his name or what he does. I shared the elevator with him once or twice and he made some snarky comment about the drink I was carrying. I think I told him that there are worse addictions than $5 coffee drinks. I saw him the other day leaving late, going the opposite direction. He didn’t see me. He had a nice car and drove away. He looked good. I would like that for Christmas. This sounds stupid, but I secretly dream of a guy like that taking me out to a nice steak dinner at a nice steak house. We’d have wine and talk for a while. Then the fantasy ends. No sex, just a nice dinner. That image of me actually being taken out on a date by a handsome guy who is not a loser. Sure, I take myself out to nice dinners sometimes, but nothing high-end. I eat at home over 90 percent of the time anyways.
Tina Fey Lost It At 24; Reax On A Morning Radio Show
A few weeks ago, Tina Fey announced on David Letterman that she lost her virginity at 24 and “couldn’t give it away.” A lot of people (namely other media types) reacted to this thinking that 24 was quite old to lose your virginity. Of course, my first reaction is to laugh, quickly followed by that pang of well…insecurity, then thinking about how much society sucks (and how I must keep this deep dark secret that I’m still a virgin). I can’t seem to find the US Weekly article they are referring to, but they do mention Brooke Sheilds and Coldplay singer Chris Martin losing it in their early 20s. And Adriana Lima losing it at 27. Wow! So old! NOT…
I never watch late night shows, never really cared for Leno, Letterman or Conan. Not my cup of television tea. I heard about this from a morning radio show while driving to work. This particular show is geared toward “Baby Boomers” and the hosts are about my parents’ age. The woman who hosts the show is kinda bitchy (menopause?). In fact, I don’t like her because it seems like she has a huge ego because she’s been doing it for so long. Anyways, they talked about this bit and had people call in and talk about what age they lost their virginity. Everytime someone gave an age, the DJ did nothing but laugh and cackle and giggle like some old bat pretending to be a teen again. If someone said they lost their virginity past 21, she would say something along the lines of “what took you so long?” or “how could you wait so long?” A couple people called saying they lost it past 30 and even 45, citing a whole spectrum of reasons why they waited. Others called saying they lost it as young as 13. Many of them shared the awkwardness and memories of their first times in the midst of her odd cackling. Maybe she’s one of those people that laughs during a topic they find awkward or uncomfortable, who knows….but yeah, her show kind of made fun of older virgins. It surprised me because you’d think at her age, she’d be more understanding or empathetic.
It got me thinking that if someone ever asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity, I wouldn’t know how to react. Would I make up a number and a story about an awkward first time? Would I be truthful and say I’m a virgin? Would I say something like “I prefer not to answer?” or change the subject or create a diversion to make the questioner forget about the topic. The easiest thing to do is to lie. I don’t lie very often, so I’m probably bad at it. Luckily, nobody has ever asked me this type of question. I hope nobody ever does.
