What’s Holding Me Back?
Online dating seems so simple. Just put up a couple interesting words about yourself and a picture …and there you go. I’ve never tried it because I’m afraid. And it’s not necessarily fear of rejection. It’s fear of my coworkers finding me on there. Funny, right? For some reason, I’m really afraid of that. I don’t want them to know that aspect of my personal life. I like to compartmentalize I guess. Sure, I can easily discuss my usual weekend plans of movies, cleaning the house, walking outside on a nice day and bargain hunting – but dating? No way! I can’t get too personal and open. As much as I like most of them, it seems like they know too much about me.
I really don’t have an interest in online dating right now except for curiosity. Who would respond to my ad? Is it worth a try? I don’t think I can even make time for giving it a shot right now.
The overall fear of ridicule (esp. of my appearance) and unhappiness have held me back for years. Everywhere I go I see all these attractive women and a big lack of decent guys. These women have douchebags because they are afraid of being alone. If hot women get with losers, is there any hope for the rest of us who are not perfect 10s?
Most of my peers are married now (some even divorced). Some have kids, while others plaster couple photos all over their social networking profiles. I remain antisocial and on the sidelines, somewhat unchanged in a way. This has caused a good chunk of people to question my sexuality. If I were gay, I would have come out years ago. I’ve changed in so many other ways, but remain the perpetual loner like I was when I was a little fat kid. Of course, it’s a choice as I believe life is about choices. It is a choice motivated by fear. It’s the one secret part of me that’s still immature when the rest of me projects a mature “put together” image for the world to see. The gal who gets her work done and has her “shit together.” Whose parents always tell her how responsible she is. The gal who pays her bills and doesn’t cause any trouble, yet sometimes has a harsh tongue that can shock. That gal who gets compliments everyday over her shoes, handbags and fashion. Yet she looks in the mirror and sees a monster.
You get into a routine where work consumes you and you prefer to spend your spare time sleeping, running errands and other solitary activities. The rare occasion where you go to a party or club full of people you don’t know scares you and makes you feel like a fish out of water. All of your close friends are married, so there are no single ladies nights. If you hang out with said friends, the husband usually has to come too.
The weird part is I’m not sad about my situation so much anymore. The worst of the pain is over. Eventually I’ll get old and nobody will want me. People keep telling me to enjoy my youth. I guess that means enjoying my health before it fails. Or enjoying my body before it sags.
I haven’t mentioned Golden Boy in a while because I don’t like him more than a colleague anymore. I think our personalities would clash; our horoscopes would confirm this. My fantasy feelings for him have been gone for a while. And now there’s really nobody to fantasize about.
I kind of live in my own world while going through the motions of living in the real world. Fantasy and escapism are key forms of recreation.
A couple months ago I noticed a handsome guy who works in my building. He’s on a different floor than me and isn’t really affiliated with my company. I have no clue about his name or what he does. I shared the elevator with him once or twice and he made some snarky comment about the drink I was carrying. I think I told him that there are worse addictions than $5 coffee drinks. I saw him the other day leaving late, going the opposite direction. He didn’t see me. He had a nice car and drove away. He looked good. I would like that for Christmas. This sounds stupid, but I secretly dream of a guy like that taking me out to a nice steak dinner at a nice steak house. We’d have wine and talk for a while. Then the fantasy ends. No sex, just a nice dinner. That image of me actually being taken out on a date by a handsome guy who is not a loser. Sure, I take myself out to nice dinners sometimes, but nothing high-end. I eat at home over 90 percent of the time anyways.
jo replied:
i don’t think it’s weird that you worry bout your coworkers finding you on online dating sites. though of ‘coz if they could find you there it would mean that they themselves were there. but yes, i was slightly mortified at having a few friends finding me on the online dating site. and i also worry that if a random stranger looks at me too long, it must mean that he’s seen me on the online dating site. but i guess it’s all bout what you’re comfy with.
November 11, 2009 at 1:23 am. Permalink.
neverhadaboyfriend replied:
True that.
November 15, 2009 at 5:57 am. Permalink.
*bluebird* replied:
Online dating in itself shouldn’t be such a negative thing. Its just another thing to do online. People date this way for different kinds of reasons besides desperate loneliness. But really, no matter how many times you go over it, it all comes down to you. If you think the reason you’re dating online its because it is your last resource to find people, you’ll feel bad and make people who know you feel the same way. Telling my stories to my best friend just made me feel worse. It’s hard to get people in perfect relationships to not feel sorry for you. Then I realized, it wasn’t her fault. I was the one telling her every negative reason I had to do it, so all she did was agree with me.
I told other friends about it too. I don’t think its something we should be embarrassed about or hide. Never met anyone special so I never faced the issue of ‘how do we tell other people we met’. If I met that special person online I would not hide it at all, I think it would make for a nice story to share. I haven’t, so I would still feel awkward if my coworkers found out although I think I shouldn’t.
November 14, 2009 at 10:13 pm. Permalink.
neverhadaboyfriend replied:
I don’t think online dating is a negative thing at all, if anything, I think it’s a great tool to meet more people that you probably would not usually get a chance to meet. Once I’m ready to give it a shot, I will. Right now, I’m not. Dating in general is something I’m not ready to make time for yet…whether it’s doing it online or in person. Best of luck to you.
November 15, 2009 at 5:57 am. Permalink.
S replied:
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. My life sounds very similar to yours. I have many friends who already have boyfriends or husbands and many times I feel uncomfortable going to parties, too. I always feel like the odd one out. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure part of the reason is because I’m not socially mature enough. Usually when I meet or see a really handsome guy, I don’t know how to act normally. I automatically think to myself that I’m somehow inferior, or assume he would reject me…and so I never try to get to know them. I just keep telling myself that I’ll meet a guy someday, but I’m not sure it’s actually going to happen considering my fear of dating.
November 16, 2009 at 3:47 am. Permalink.
Katherine replied:
I understand your position coming from experience. Even though I’m 21, I still feel this strong urge to be independent, as I see no one my age mature enough or someone I could really relate too. My parents always joke that I will end up with an older man, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like a bad thing haha. Anyway, when the time is right, you should give an online dating site a shot. You remind me a lot of my older sister and you are both the same age. She’s never really had a long serious relationships (a couple of short term boyfriends, but she still felt uncomfortable with them). She’s a doctor, so her exhausting work schedule always made it hard to find anyone, even in med school. The guys she had fun with at the hospital were always married, and the guys left over just weren’t her type. She can be shy, introverted, and very independent, but last year she took a risk and applied to eharmony. She was incrediblly terrified of being paired up with letches and serial killers, but she had nothing to fear. The first match was also the first man she dated off of that website. Instantly on the first date she completely clicked with this guy and that had never happened before in her entire life. She had been so terrfied of dating, but this man made her feel extremely comfortable. They have been together ever since and are in quite a serious relationship. It may sound like I’m plugging for the website, but this is in all seriousness. The moral of the story is: don’t be afraid to take a risk when you feel ready to test the dating scene. It is not impossible to find someone to share your interests, the experiences may vary, but if my sister can find someone (knowing her personality) than I have faith that ANYONE could potentially find a compatible mate. That is not meant to insult my sister either, I love her to death, it’s just that her circumstances/career made it harder for her. I just want to let you know, I really appreciate your blog and have been checking back every couple of weeks or so for updates. I know I have shared similar emotions and find it refreshing that I’m not alone. Stay strong man, you seem like a lovely person!!
November 16, 2009 at 6:13 am. Permalink.
Poppy replied:
Hey, just to say i always read your blog, can really relate to it. Although don’t assume that when you get old no one will want you – sometimes people start their most amazing relationships in the 40s and beyond. I guess most people have dry spells in their life, some of your friends who are married now will find themselves divorced later. So maybe we’re saving the best till last!
November 25, 2009 at 12:33 am. Permalink.
beck replied:
i have considered online dating as well, but i think it is not really the point. the point is, i want to meet someone the “normal way”
December 3, 2009 at 12:22 am. Permalink.
Urbangal replied:
I feel the same way about internet dating. I don’t have a problem with writing about myself or posting up my photo. I’ve had several profiles created in the past but have never uploaded a photo because of the fear that my colleagues, clients or acquaintances would find it. In fact just when I was starting to get used to the idea of internet dating, while browsing the male listings I found one of my colleagues! That stopped me in my tracks & prevented me of completing my profile 100% with photo & all. I’ve also tried speed dating but nothing came of it. Met men who I felt could be good friends but nothing more. I’ll be 25 in about a month. Never had a boyfriend, still a virgin. I tell myself that it’s OK to just focus on my career but it would be nice to have that special someone & often wonder why I’ve never experienced that while others have.
December 6, 2009 at 9:33 am. Permalink.
Ginger replied:
Wow. I just found your blog.
I feel like I could have written this.
I had no idea there were others like me.
January 12, 2010 at 4:40 am. Permalink.