A Last-Minute Visit and Social Networking
A friend from college who I haven’t seen in a couple years asked me out of the blue if she could come visit me. It was short notice, but a pleasant surprise. She lived in another country to get a graduate degree but her visa ran out, so she had to come back here to the States. She wasn’t too thrilled to leave her busy social life in that other country and is trying to figure out what to do next. She wanted to visit me and take a quick break from her current situation. I gladly invited her down to my place as I don’t have many guests. She had fun and we caught up in that brief time she was here.
Major College Crush (MCC) came up in the conversation as other memories. She didn’t know I had such a huge crush on him, but wasn’t surprised when I told her because so many other gals liked him. Again, there was a shortage of guys at my school and I hear it’s even worse now. I told her all I found out about MCC via my internet stalking and she suggested I friend him on a popular social networking site we both belong to (especially since he has like 1,000 friends).
Last week, I made the ballsy move and friended him. I’d be surprised if he remembered me at all. I was like “What the fuck, it’s a new year, I need to grow balls (so to speak).” Within a couple of hours he accepted my friend request and I joined his legions of fans. We didn’t exchange messages or anything. I didn’t feel like writing a note or anything to explain who I was, etc. I friended another guy from college whom I’ve never spoken to and sent him a kind, brief message on why I wanted to friend him. He friended me a week after I sent in my request but never responded to my message. People are such ‘friend’ whores these days on social networking sites. Most people ‘friend’ anyone they’ve ever met in every situation, no matter how brief. Or they’ll friend people they’ve never met. I was never formally introduced to MCC and have never had a conversation with him. But I looked from a far and dreamed…
And today I friended another guy on there from college that I’ve never formally met but thought was hot….and that’s it for a while as far as friending cute guys on social networking sites for a while. I figure “What do I have to lose? The worst that could happen is that they ignore my friend request.” We’re all online whores these days anyways.
MCC: He still looks good, but I don’t lust after him anymore like I used to. I don’t dream about him anymore. He will always be in the past. Part of me misses college and that optimism.
My visiting pal agreed.
Golden Boy avoids me like the plague, but that’s ok. I probably have STALKER or WEIRDO written on my forehead. My feelings for him have passed. I’ve come to find that I’m not his physical type anyway. He prefers girls with a different hair color. I know it sounds silly, but some men are very insistent upon hair color (preferably the age old blondes vs. brunette war…I don’t know where redheads fit in). I don’t think I’ll dye my hair to please a man. I’d look funny with a different hair color anyway. It also makes me sick to see him suck up to the boss as much as he does. We get along and that’s all that counts!
My visiting pal also brought up how I exude a lot of confidence – and how I was able to make the quick moves from college to full time salaried job to homeownership within a short span.
I asked if she meant whether I came off as arrogant as there is a fine line sometimes between confident and arrogant.
She said that it wasn’t arrogance. How kind.
I told her that whatever confidence I seemingly have is not real and that I’m insecure inside. I just prefer not to show or express it. I continued on to how I’ve had my family ask me what I was going to do with my life since I was very young and had to act decisive in order satisfy them – even if the answer was not true.
During Christmas, an elderly aunt asked a college freshman at our party what he wanted to do with his life. He said he didn’t know and was in community college to get his core classes out of the way before transferring into a bigger school. She was not satisfied with this answer and kind of scared him away. I saw the look on his face, it was pretty sad. He’s a good kid. He just didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear – the decisive, confident answer like “I’m going be a doctor or a lawyer or a secret agent and here’s how I’m going to do it.”
Most people don’t know what they want to do. I just picked something and went with it, never admitting that I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. Starting at age 14, I was asked by numerous relatives what I wanted to major in at college. I didn’t know, but threw out an answer to get them off my tail. I kept throwing out this same answer and followed through. The beauty of it was that by the time I did go to college I already had my major picked out, saving me much trouble.
So what was I talking about now? Oh yes, fake confidence. I’m surprised I’ve even succeeded at having this image at all. Maybe it’s the clothes. All I know is that I can’t show any vulnerability. I can laugh at myself and admit mistakes or faults, but can never cry or act defensive.
Yet I was too shy to speak to guys like MCC or anyone else for that matter. Too scared to smile at a hot guy in a coffee shop, too afraid to meet potential online dates somewhere for fear of meeting a creep. Why am I living in fear?
My visiting pal told me how I have enough sex appeal to get a decent guy around my age. Yet I don’t see sexy when I look in the mirror. I don’t even know what sexy means. I know it has something to do with attitude or something else I can’t explain.
But what does it matter? Here I am writing this rambling entry in a safe home with clean, running water and a refrigerator full of food…and there are many people in Haiti (who never had nowhere near any of that to begin with) destroyed by a 7.0 earthquake. Death, riots, hunger, chaos, orphans, filth, danger. I wouldn’t survive a day! I’ve never been a save the world type, but gee, my problems are so minor. So what if I die a 105-year-old virgin.
I’ll give dating a shot another year, maybe the next. Maybe 30, maybe not. I can always tell a white lie or fake confidence or not give a whole answer if asked about sex or relationships. I don’t think I will this year as I have other goals which I’d rather pursue in my free time. Plus, I’m not sure if I want to have deep ties to someone in this current metropolitan area. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have to make dating a goal like anything else, like your career or hobbies or education. But you can’t make dating like a job interview because that’s a huge turnoff to a lot of people (from what I’ve heard).
To anyone reading this, I hope 2010 treats you well.
Anonymous replied:
I have been following your blog for a while….Like you, I also has a MCC. He was not gorgeous or anything but he showed signs of interest in me that I chose to ignore just like you did. My problem might have been similar to yours. I was suffering from anxiety and a social phobia disorder. I was a virgin who had never had any sort of relationship and basically had no friends. Sitting next to this guy in one of my classes, I could tell he wanted to start conversations with me. I shared other classes with him and felt that he would try to initiate contact with me. The first time I caught him staring at me, I thought he was looking at something behind me because I felt no one could show any interest in me. For about 2 years I had the sort of crush on a guy that you have when you’re twelve. I would get butterflies in my stomach and feel like I was turning beat read everytime I started to say something to him (the few times I spoke to him).
The real reason I never really initiated anything with him is different than your reason for not initiating a conversation with MCC. As I wrote before, I suffered from social phobia and although I was saddened by the fact I had no romantic relationship, I was even more terrified of a guy finding out I’m a loser without even a single friend. I thought about friending this guy on a social dating site but can’t for some reason.
I lost my virginity my last semester of college on a first date believe it or not. I think I did it because I figured I’m too old to wait for a meaningful relationship. I felt my virginity was something I should of lost already; it was like something I needed to get rid of because I was too old to be a virgin at almost 22. I have since then had a string of hookups and “relationships” with no one who I have felt a certain chemistry with.
To sum it up, I think you have a similar problem as me. You think too much about things. I continue to do this in other aspects of my life. To tell you the truth, you should just go on a date and start a relationship with someone you have a moderate degree of compatibility. Most girls or women don’t lose their virginity to the love of their life. I feel you are missing out on things because you have them pictured and planned out a certain way in your head and they have to go that way. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
January 25, 2010 at 3:57 am. Permalink.
neverhadaboyfriend replied:
Hey Anon – Thanks for following and sharing your story. I agree that you have to jump into some things, especially dating. I don’t believe in soulmates or the “love of my life” actually (especially being as independent as I am), but do get your point about finding compatibility (whether it be in one or many men). I wouldn’t be surprised if I have social anxiety, yet somehow I’m able to function well at work dealing with many different personalities. It’s the “meeting new people” part that scares me and the few times I’ve succeeded, I’ve had to be in a real motivated mindset. Out of curiousity, do you regret losing your virginity to that person or were you just relieved that it was over with?
January 26, 2010 at 4:25 am. Permalink.
Anonymous replied:
Honestly, I don’t regret losing my virginity to the guy. We ended up having what one would call I guess a no strings attached relationship. He told me he couldn’t date anyone who was from a different culture (this was all just an excuse to not have to put up with a girlfriend as I later found out he had never had any sort of relationship with someone from his culture). While dating him, I thought I was in love or infatuated but in hindsight, I now know I was just looking for a guy to pay any sort of attention to me. I also did not have too many friends at that point in my life (not that I do now) and was looking for someone to talk to, etc.
He ended up finding someone else. I later found out from him on aim that he ended it because she was emotionally needy and would bother him too much (I did not however do this). I got my revenge when he sent me a New Year’s eve message saying “Happy New Year” and I replied “Who is this?” A couple of months later he bothered me on aim and asked if I knew who he was because he thought I had forgotten him. I even went on to mention my college crush to him and how never responding to this guy was my biggest college regret (I know he figured out I had this crush while I was seeing him).
The reason I do not regret losing my virginity the way I did was because I doubt any other way would have been more “meaningful.” I was almost 22 and thought it was weird that I was still a virgin (let alone someone who has never been kissed). The guy I lost it to was just a typical 23 year old and I can’t blame him for being one. He was in his “whore phase”….Basically, he didn’t want any sort of commitment and he wanted to “get with” as many chicks as possible.
I’m almost 24 and even though I wanted to get out of college as quickly as possible (it was not fun for me because I commuted and made very little friends), I honestly wish I could go back two years and accidentally bump into my old crush or do something that would start a conversation. We had classes together and I because I was a business student, you get placed in groups and get graded on team projects and presentations. There were two instances where I really, really wished I was going to be put in a group with this guy. It did not turn out that way. If I had been put in a group with him, then I would have no choice but to overcome my shyness and talk to him. It’s actually funny because you describe your crush as a typical tall, dark, handsome, and striking guy that many women will fall for. My crush wasn’t ugly (he actually did have a nice face) but was short and not an athlete like yours (I guess most women really like tall, athletic types). I think the main reason I was too “shy” to respond or talk to him is due to the social phobia I had. I felt out of place at my school (kind of like everyone had friends and I didn’t).
Looking back, my biggest problem in college was the fact I commuted and therefore I made few friends which contributed to making the small amount of social anxiety I had into an actual diagnosable social phobia. This led to an extreme lack of confidence. Whenever a guy would look at me in college, I would get confused. I am told I have an attractive face and great figure but I still don’t think a decent guy would want me (this maybe now due to the crappy economy and the fact I can’t lay the foundations of a career). I know I’m not stupid because I went to college on a scholarship which covered 3/4 of my tuition and I can actually speak with people on a wide variety of topics. I think my problem is I live in my regrets…..I actually have dreams about them….I know that’s weird…..
January 29, 2010 at 1:12 am. Permalink.
Britt replied:
Hi. I found your blog about a month ago and can relate to your experience (or I guess the better word would be lack of experience). I’m almost 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend and never been kissed. It’s so nice to see others who are in the same boat as me. It’s actually inspired me to start my own blog. Anyway, thanks for putting yourself out there so that me and others like you can feel not so alone.
Hope you have a nice year, too
January 27, 2010 at 2:38 pm. Permalink.
lee replied:
It does she like you have to make an effort to meet people but then there are always people saying it will happen when you least expect it, i found it when i wasnt looking blah blah. It seems like a game of luck to me. Right now I’m just not meeting anyone, but I’m afraid to try online dating. It’s sad that I feel like an old maid at 26. I’m so glad you have this blog, it makes me feel less alone. I don’t have one friend who is single, even the ones who dated much less than me in college. I know there’s nothing wrong with me (or you, you sound great!)but it feels like I’m a freak of nature sometimes.
January 28, 2010 at 2:12 am. Permalink.
PaintedSkin replied:
“What the fuck, it’s a new year, I need to grow balls (so to speak).” ahahahahaha… thats exactly what I told myself at the beginning of the year but up till now, I am still a chicken. I had so many MCC’s who never knew I was crushing on them. Just like you, I’ve been too afraid to give that smile to that random hot guy… all I do is daydream… sigh.
May 9, 2010 at 8:51 pm. Permalink.